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Falling into place…

By | April 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm | One comment | Featured, Opinion | Tags:

First, I waited a long time, then I choose to get lost in my mind, among my thoughts. At least imagining it was a choice was tranquilizing. Between different processes of decision making in my mind, I experienced pauses. Otherwise I’m clear, aren’t I? Usually transparent and content…

Happiness…

Being hopeful…

Likelihood among paradoxes was never the similarity between the letters shared among them to me. Isn’t the happiness you feel when you dream about the future, what differentiates tomorrow from today?

Or can you define for me, the happiness?

Naming it is very difficult, but to give it a meaning has something to do with being aware.

It’s holy mystery is within how we look at happiness and what kind of life we pursue.

Last night it snowed. Within me. I felt the chill at first, then I started to feel cold in a moment. I didn’t know it was ebcause of the chill of the night but I realized my looks were opaque on my reflection in the mirror. Like the light was out in my eyes. As if the limbo between death and life inhabited my gestures. Exactly like that! When I looked at my reflection yesterday, I lived that “far away” nearness of seeing a stranger who resembles a familiar face.

Pupils of my eyes were static. You remember, you used to tell me “life is hidden in the smile in your eyes, my dear.” I blanked the whole secret out, didn’t I?

We should pause a tad here?

In a bit, at the last stop before the happy days.

Then, we should sit down next to our good memories, in our sight Euphrates, or Tigris, you decide.

Our cry should be loud, accompanied by the chorus of the most radical song.

Huh?

My whole truth is hidden at the start of history.

We always talked about registering the meaning. To be cleansed under the falling rain. To warm up in the cold mountain wind and confront each young heart fallen with a loud cry. Weren’t those cries that were to be taken over first and were the first shield protecting our soul?

Yes, to fall into place. Our steps, five forward, five backward, were eating the same ground, with all their reality, but didn’t we drift away, in Mesopotamia, after every visit to the prison yard, when our looks locked at each other? Didn’t our faith unrevealed our core? Wasn’t that exactly to gain form?

The fear of losing connection to reality could age someone in one single night. Believe me, the pockets under my eyes are like Aunt Elif’s which we made fun of at times.

Nowadays the “meaning” that we want to hold on very tight is about to be lost. Was it that easy to ease our mind my dear?

To shut up is tough, crazier to keep talking dear comrade!

You get me, that’s the only way to tell you my state of affairs…

I remember now that days when we were in numbers. So many people were laughing that we had to invite them to sobriety with our most serious urging. Whereas we had the potential to laugh our most sincere laughs, but we never showed it, even to each other.

It’s great to smile against all odds, against all pain. And you had the best smile. All fear used to diminish as soon as our eyes meet in our dire moments, under the proud expression of that light.

You get me, that’s the only way to tell you my state of affairs…

Would you?

You’d get the words of my soul the way they are, the way I feel, the way I tell, wouldn’t you?

I don’t set a dam to my ideas flowing to you, nor I disguise my words. Do not filter my thoughts, my memories from their residue. Take it inside the way they are and distill them in your soul the way they were lived and felt.

I hasn’t been a long time though I feel it’s been a lifetime. Do you think the perception of time is manmade, too? For you a minute might feel like 60 minutes, whereas for me it is a great resistance saga that I manage on the verge of falling from meaning to pretense.

The days passing quickly when I was living the beauty, and last night feeling like four whole years drive my soul and my mind into an endless argument.

Yes, to fall in place, to catch the meaning in the very depth.

You get me, that’s the only way to tell you my state of affairs my dear…

About the Author

Berxwedan Yaruk Berxwedan Yaruk

Berxwedan Yaruk is a Kurdish journalist and writer living in Turkey. Born in 1989 in Silvan, Amed (Diyarbakir), had to immigrate to Mersin in 90's with his family as a result of forced immigration and increasing number of unaccounted for murders in the region. Arrested several times he wrote in Kurdish Azadiya Welat, Dicle News Agency, and Democratic Modernity Journal. He is currently writing articles and an active translator to and from Kurdish.

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